1 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,840 PIG GRUNTS 2 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,480 HE CHUCKLES 3 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,640 PIG BREAKS WIND 4 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:32,000 - I do apologise, Wellbeloved! - It was the Empress, m'lord. 5 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,760 Oh, there you are! Sound digestion and a clear conscience. 6 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,800 'Clarence?' 7 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,280 How the deuce did you do that? 8 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,360 Sounds like my sister Connie! 9 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,560 Angela is in tears. Again. 10 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,800 - Erm...? - Your niece. 11 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,800 Two weeks to go till the Fat Pig Show, Connie, and look at her! 12 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,880 Are we pleased with you? Yes, we are... 13 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,440 oh, yes, we are! 14 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,880 When you have finished irradiating that pig 15 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,880 with your imbecilic conversation, I would like a word. 16 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,800 Ahh... Mm. 17 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:10,240 Sir Gregory Parsloe, Parsloe's pig, what's her name? The Queen? 18 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,680 She's not, in your opinion... 19 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,760 fatter...? 20 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,880 Gah, Empress'll be the winner, you'll see. 21 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,480 Same as last year, and the year before that. 22 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:26,440 Lord, bless my soul, my dear fellow! You're dressed for church! 23 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,680 I am going to worship, sir. 24 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:30,600 At the Church of The Goat and Feathers. 25 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,000 Ah! Well, say a prayer for me. 26 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,560 Thank you, sir. 27 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,680 None of your little recitations, mind. 28 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,120 Trousers on legs and billowy portions, Cyril Wellbeloved. 29 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,720 Not the head. 30 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,440 # Oh, my little sister Lily is a tart in Piccadilly 31 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,240 # My mother, she's another, worse the luck 32 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,000 # My granny hawks her arse all round the Elephant and Castle 33 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,360 - # There's nothing she won't do to get a... # - That'll suffice! 34 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,680 A disgusting display of public drunkenness! 35 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,120 Clerk, what's the maximum sentence the court will permit me to impose? 36 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,520 - Seven days. - Fourteen days? Sold. 37 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,920 Oh, bliddy Nora. 38 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,480 Plus another day for profanity. 39 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:12,280 But it's the Shropshire Show, Sir Gregory, sir, your enormity. 40 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,320 His Lordship needs me to keep Empress good and fat... 41 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:19,400 Too ruddy bad for His Lordship. Take him down! 42 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,560 Here you are. Eat up. 43 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,800 A repast fit for a Queen. 44 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,920 HE LAUGHS 45 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:40,120 Sweetie pie. I entreat you... Just a little spoonful here... 46 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,200 But it's banana... 47 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,440 Darling, it's banana. 48 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,400 Cyril Wellbeloved swears by banana... 49 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,360 Dash it! Where is Wellbeloved? 50 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,360 Been unavoidably detained, my lord. 51 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,360 He hasn't got himself locked up, has he? 52 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,160 This is no time for Wellbeloved to be slacking about in custody! 53 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,080 We need him! 54 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:05,240 Sir Gregory's pig BALLOONS in volume even as we speak. Beach, 55 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,920 this is an emergency. 56 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,200 You have my permission to panic and run about screaming. 57 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,720 Very good, my lord. 58 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,480 Oh, Lord Heacham! 59 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,560 I cannot understand the difficulty you are having... Don't touch me! 60 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,120 If you touch me I shall scream. ..grasping the fact 61 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,560 that I am not going to marry you. 62 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,000 You're a silly little nonsense, aren't you? 63 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,840 Now, come here and kiss me. 64 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,920 SHE GROANS 65 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,240 Poor little scrap. 66 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,760 Put her in the Shropshire Show, calling her fat, people will laugh. 67 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,160 'Clarence... 68 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,040 'Clarence! 69 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,920 'Clarence, I am looking for you! 70 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,360 'Where are you? 71 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,720 'I want to talk to you!' 72 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,760 'Clarence?' 73 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,080 BANGING 74 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:15,000 Ah, Connie, splendid! Erm... Heard you calling. 75 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,000 Wasn't able to find you, so I thought, what a capital idea to... 76 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,520 Fling the servants' shoes around? 77 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,360 Clarence. I NEED to talk to you! 78 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,800 Keep lips shut! It stops the drivel coming out! 79 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,080 What are you going to do about Angela 80 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:32,760 breaking off her engagement to Lord Heacham? 81 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,800 - Heacham! Sir Gregory's nephew! - Oh! 82 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,600 It's an eminently suitable match. 83 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:43,360 But instead, SHE professes love for the unpalatable "Jimmy" Belford. 84 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,560 Oh, I like him! 85 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,120 But they can't get married. It's out of the question. 86 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,560 He's in Africa. Australia. 87 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,040 - America. - Yes. 88 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,800 He found employment as a "cowboy" - whatever that is - 89 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,720 but he is now back in England. 90 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,320 Belford is without prospects! 91 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,920 The marriage to him is not possible! 92 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,480 Connie, I've got so many nieces. Can't you sort it out? 93 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,560 Well, of course I could! But for primogeniture, 94 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:13,880 I could sort out the entire family. But it is YOU who were born a man, 95 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:18,880 or a vague approximation of one. You have to do it. 96 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,240 Where are you going? 97 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,360 If I'm to defeat Sir Gregory, I need to inflate the Empress. 98 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,520 And it's no good pointing that chin at me, either. 99 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,400 Forget the pig. Administrate the family. 100 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,440 Oh, and to top it all, Freddie is on his way. 101 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,680 Erm.. 102 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,120 - Your son. - Oh. 103 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:47,200 # La, la, la, la... # 104 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,720 Oh! Ha, ha! 105 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,600 HORN BLARES 106 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:56,120 HE SHOUTS 107 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,080 The tree was travelling far too fast. 108 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,800 And on the wrong side of the road! 109 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,120 - Guv'nor! - ..calorific bonus of the turnip... 110 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,560 - All well? - Two weeks, Frederick. 111 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,880 Then it's all over. 112 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:20,440 Whiffle is the recognised authority, but he has no answer. 113 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,240 I've tried slops. Rotting pears. 114 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,600 She loves the fruit that has seen the maggot. 115 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,880 - We're talking now about the Empress. - Of course! 116 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,080 M'pig's ill! She won't eat! 117 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,800 Oh, God! 118 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,920 That's terrible. 119 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,320 Eh? Since when did you take an interest in her appetite? 120 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,320 Since I bet 50 quid on her being fattest pig! 121 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,600 Look, Guv'nor, fact is, I find myself in Queer Street. 122 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,280 I put a bit of crinkle into a show at The Pink Pussy Club - 123 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,600 the star being a lady I regard rather highly - 124 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,600 and the damn thing closed! 125 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,520 Frederick, are you penniless again? 126 00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:01,360 Ha ha... Anyway, I thought, how to extricate Frederick from this one? 127 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,280 The Guv'nor's porker romping it as fattest pig! 128 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,880 So I touched Oofy for 50 smackers, 129 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,000 banged 'em on at six to one and here I am. 130 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,520 - Yes. In Queer Street. - Quite. 131 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,160 'Angela! 132 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,360 'Angela!' 133 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:26,600 I'm trying to give the slip to that loathsome blister Heacham! 134 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,440 Curious behaviour, is it not, re. the betrothed and beloved? 135 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,200 Heacham is NOT my beloved! 136 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:38,120 He is a prig and a bore and he has this hideous little moustache, 137 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,640 like a maggot crawled onto his lip and died! 138 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,040 - Who is that? - Angela. Hiding from Heacham. 139 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,800 - Who's that? - My father. Hiding generally. 140 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,200 - Ah. Now. I want a word with him. - 'Angela!' 141 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,320 - (No, no, no!) - Ah! You haven't seen your cousin, have you, Threepwood? 142 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:58,240 Angela. Blonde hair framing a fat-headed head. 143 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,680 Bladder on a stick affair. 144 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,120 SHE GASPS 145 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,760 - What? - I did not speak. 146 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:09,480 Nor does this drawing room seem over-stocked with Angelas. 147 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,840 If I were you, Heacham, I'd go about my business. 148 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,960 So. Tinkety-tonk. 149 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,600 'Angela!' 150 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,040 Who wants a toot? 151 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,960 Throw Her Majesty a few of these jammy dodgers. 152 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,960 Very fattening for a pig who needs to be fat. 153 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,120 Blandings Castle. Are they all completely round the bend? 154 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,160 Aah, they're absolutely potty. The whole ruddy crew. 155 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,480 (Psst! Cyril!) 156 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,600 (What's to be done?) 157 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,200 (We have to get the Empress sluicing back the calories.) 158 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,080 (If she doesn't win, then I shan't be able to pay back Oofy, 159 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,400 (then he'll have me assassinated, then I'll be dead 160 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,880 (and Felicity won't want to dance with me any more!) 161 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,640 Felicity's the girl at the Pink Pussy. God, I'm rather gone on her! 162 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,600 So, what's the matter with the pig? 163 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,960 She's pining for me. 164 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,920 She won't be fed by anybody else. Not even His Lordship. 165 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,480 (Cyril?) 166 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,080 (Take your clothes off.) 167 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,680 Ah, there she is! 168 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,720 Come on, Empress. Cyril, Cyril... 169 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,520 Pure fat... 170 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:47,400 Come on, yum, yum, yum, yum... 171 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,720 Every last crumb.... 172 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,360 HE LAUGHS 173 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,000 Broccoli! Broccoli! 174 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,280 Have a good blow, Paleface. 175 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,760 Jimmy! 176 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,600 I knew you'd come for me! 177 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,880 Oh, you're so stubbly! 178 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,880 Well, I don't presently have a razor. 179 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,400 Oh, I don't care, it's adorable! 180 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,040 - Why not? Where are you staying? - Around. 181 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:39,440 I've ridden the range, pa-tooty-pie, with the hogs and the buffalo 182 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,400 and the dang mules. 183 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,040 Oh, darling! 184 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,120 What are dang mules? 185 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,600 Erm...they're mules. 186 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:51,840 They're, just a bit, you know...DANG. 187 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,440 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 188 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:57,720 Good. 189 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,000 Now, listen to me. 190 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,080 ALL of you. 191 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,240 I have reason to believe... 192 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,840 we can expect an intruder. 193 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:17,720 A certain undesirable person, Jimmy Belford, who is a cowboy, 194 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,920 may seek to make contact with a member of the family. 195 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,280 If you see anybody acting suspiciously... 196 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,480 Sorry! 197 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,360 Oh it's you... Hello, Aunt. 198 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,640 Frederick. When it comes to drooling idiocy, you take the cake. 199 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,720 If there's very much more of this cretinous behaviour, 200 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,400 - do you know what I shall do? - Oh. 201 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,440 I shall go to my room. 202 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,240 HE WHINES 203 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,280 I say, is there anything I can do about this fearful business? 204 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,000 Uncommonly kind of you, my dear fellow, but things look very black. 205 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,800 According to Whiffle, she should be consuming daily nourishment 206 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,280 amounting to 57,800 calories. 207 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,160 - Very specific, is he, on that? - Rigorous. 208 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,040 As it is, she eats nothing at all. 209 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,800 She just lolls around on her bed, flapping her palsied trotters. 210 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,360 I'm giving very strong consideration to inserting a rubber pipe. 211 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,360 Emsworth, I give you fair warning. 212 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:22,120 If you insert a rubber pipe into Angela I shall take a very dim view. 213 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,440 Now, why is she not eating? 214 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,400 Angela? 215 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:30,080 Angela eats like a ruddy horse! Boisterous appetite. 216 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,640 Yes, yes... You're Heacham, aren't you? 217 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,400 Well, the problem is very simple to grasp there, 218 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,120 - she's in love with somebody else. - What? 219 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,880 You see, she's going to marry him instead. Any rate, 220 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,480 Whiffle speaks very highly of linseed. Worth a shot? 221 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,360 Linseed? My pig's very life may be in the balance. 222 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,720 Curse all pigs! Damn and blast every pig in existence! 223 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:07,640 Forgive me, my lord. I have been entertaining the magistrates' clerk in my pantry. 224 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,880 I have been lubricating the gentleman with sherry. 225 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,200 Beach, your social life is your own affair. Seize the day. 226 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,640 He has vouchsafed to me the name of the Justice 227 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,120 who gave Wellbeloved a custodial sentence. 228 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,120 It was Sir Gregory, my lord. 229 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,520 Sir Gregory Parsloe... 230 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,640 Parsloe? 231 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,680 I see it all, Beach. It is treachery. 232 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,120 Godless treachery. Do you see it? 233 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,160 It is observed below stairs, my lord, that Sir Gregory's that crooked 234 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,800 "he could hide behind a spiral staircase." 235 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,280 Damn it all! 236 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,320 Parsloe has made a grievous howler. 237 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,880 My dander is up. It is up, Beach! 238 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,520 - Do you hear? Up! - I shall inform the staff, sir. 239 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:54,720 And bring me a contraption... Chain... Ding-ding... 240 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,720 Rubber things go round and round... Bicycle! 241 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,040 I'm rather in the mood for a sticky willy... 242 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,000 Now, look here, Parsloe... 243 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,480 There's been raw dealings with my pigman. 244 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,560 Damned raw. 245 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,280 Your pigman, sir, is a drunkard, 246 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,800 and a shameful exhibitioner of his own undergarments. 247 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,680 Is there some law against exhibiting undergarments? 248 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,200 - Of course there is, you fool! - Oh. Nevertheless... 249 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,160 - this is a rum do, Stinker, a rum do... - Enough! 250 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,080 I will not have my magisterial office insulted! 251 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,160 I'm not insulting your office, my dear fellow, I'm insulting you. 252 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,960 Emsworth, you are dangerously cuckoo. 253 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,680 I have a mind to summon the assistance of Lord Heacham. 254 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,760 - He boxed for Harrow. - Harrow! 255 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,320 Yes, I guessed he'd known corruption in his youth. 256 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,000 Bad form, Parsloe. 257 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,640 Bad form. 258 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,520 Which way is, er...? 259 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,960 Times like this, Frederick, I wish your mother was still alive. 260 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,640 She was so persuasive. 261 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,640 She once put forth such a forceful case for beetroot, 262 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,840 I actually put some into my mouth. 263 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,360 WOMAN'S LAUGHTER 264 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,720 Ho! Ho! Is there someone there? Someone there? 265 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,080 Who's that with whatsername? 266 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,840 Uncle Clarence, please! You're blinding him! 267 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,360 Oh, my dear fellow, I do apologise. 268 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,520 That's all right, sir. Look here, Angela tells me about your pig. 269 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,600 Apparently she spurns the trough. Why's that? 270 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,400 Well, my pigman's been incarcerated and she's got a broken heart. 271 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,400 I know how she feels. 272 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,920 Because you're Lord Heacham. 273 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:57,120 No, sir. I'm not Heacham. I'm the other bloke. Belford. 274 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,080 - Oh, you're the one I like. - Well, you will like me a whole lot more 275 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,200 when I get your pig back on the grub! 276 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,000 What, you think you can make her eat..? 277 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,120 Oh, I can do better than that... 278 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,880 I can teach YOU how to make her eat. 279 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,240 - Angela, this Mr Belford of yours, is... - I know! 280 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:17,080 What a wonderful, INDISPENSABLE sort of person he must be. 281 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,840 Tell him, Jimmy. 282 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,960 It's called the Universal Hog-Call. 283 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,920 Yes, yes, yes, of course... Of course. 284 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,000 I've no idea what you're talking about. 285 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,480 No pig will eat unless summoned by her pigman. 286 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,160 His call is peculiar to him. Nothing else will do. However... 287 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,920 there is, in extremis, a master-word 288 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,800 that can be used by anybody that will rouse her like...that. 289 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,720 I understand this, Belford. I beg you, tell me the word. 290 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:50,000 Pig-hoo-o-o-o-ey! 291 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:57,160 Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey? 292 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,120 No, no, no, not like that. Like this: 293 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:05,600 Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey! 294 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:10,440 Pig-hooo-eeeey! ..PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY... 295 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,800 BELL RINGS 296 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,120 Give a little more body to the "hoo". 297 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:19,960 PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY... 298 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,240 Throw your head back. The second syllable rises to a shrill falsetto 299 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,560 and give it some gas! 300 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:32,080 PIG-HOOO-O-O-O-EY! 301 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,280 Shush, shush, the Empress is asleep, we'll wake her up. 302 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:39,280 Oh, Beach! Still up? 303 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,000 Lady Constance would like to see you, my lord. 304 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,760 At your convenience. 305 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,360 Convenience be damned. AGH! 306 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,280 Belford! Beach, call the police! 307 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,360 On what premise, Your Ladyship? 308 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,240 Trespass! Burglary! 309 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,880 - Loitering with intent to commit ravishment! - Oh, good heavens! 310 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,800 - Lady Constance, if you'll permit me... - Oh! Assault and battery! 311 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,440 Clarence! Will you make Beach call the police? 312 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:10,040 Err... Beach, be a good fellow and make yourself call the police. 313 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,800 Very well, my lord. 314 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,480 Clarence? 315 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,400 Oh, no, no, Connie. Please, please, I beg of you. 316 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,960 Don't say those awful words... 317 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,200 - I am going... - She's going to say it. - Yes. 318 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,200 - ..to my room. - Oh, dear... 319 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:37,960 So. This thug attempted to lay violent hands on Lady Constance. 320 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,360 - I did no such thing. - Silence! 321 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,800 - He did no such thing. - Are you calling your Aunt Constance a liar? 322 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,680 Ah... Look, Stinker. 323 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:51,600 I mean, Sir Gregory, erm, err... 324 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,680 Man to man. 325 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,640 Fat pig-wise, Jimmy's the only chance the Guv'nor has 326 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,200 to square up to you in a fair fight. 327 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,120 Have a heart. 328 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,800 In you go... 329 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,240 Room for a little 'un? 330 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,360 KNOCK AT DOOR 331 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,640 Ah! Beach. Sorry to beard you in your lair, 332 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,680 but there's been the most colossal ding-dong 333 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,520 and I cannot find the Guv'nor. 334 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,000 Let him in, Beach. 335 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,320 Oh! 336 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:34,560 Behold your father, Frederick. The toad beneath the harrow. 337 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,840 Oh, Guv'nor... 338 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,520 Aunt Connie is pretty batey just now, but... 339 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,200 I've completely forgotten it, you see. The universal summons. 340 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:48,400 Right. Err... Well, I can't remember it either. 341 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,360 We need to rally the family synapses, sharpish. 342 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,320 What's our first move? 343 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,200 - A small sherry, Mr Frederick? - Oh, God, yes, essential, 344 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,920 thank you. And Beach, damn it. Less of the "small". 345 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,960 - Very well, sir. - Come on, Guv'nor. On your feet. 346 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,480 Give it your best shot. 347 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,640 Right, erm... 348 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,760 PIGWAAARRGHHH... Oh! 349 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,880 For God's sake, Emsworth, get a grip! 350 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,600 PIGWHEEEEEEEZZ! 351 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,520 Oh, it's futile! 352 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:33,440 Oh, Beach, your pantry is obviously the spot for a mid-morning orgy! 353 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,400 Angela! The universal call... 354 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,680 Oh, it's no use asking me. 355 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,080 I am but a feeble pawn in your desperate game. 356 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:45,240 - Beach! You do it. - I do not summon pigs, my lord. 357 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,760 Wait a tick. I think I've got it! 358 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,280 PIGABALABABABBA! 359 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,960 DOGS HOWL DISTANTLY 360 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,400 Jimmy Belford's in prison, you're useless, I'm useless, 361 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,520 you're a desperate prawn, Beach does not summon pigs. 362 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,360 Very well. 363 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,400 Let us consult the Empress. 364 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,920 The perfidious Parsloe shall not rob me of this triumph, Freddie. 365 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,600 Never mind your ruddy triumph, what about my 50 quid? 366 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,560 Clarence. I am come down. 367 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,600 This imbecility regarding Jimmy Belford must stop! 368 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,600 - Hoy! - Don't you "hoy" me! 369 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,040 You're a gull and an oaf and a nincompoop! 370 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,800 Nevertheless, I want to see m'pig! 371 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:36,400 Belford drooling over Angela right under your nose - 372 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,880 it's impossible! 373 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,720 The man was born to an unsuitable station in life 374 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,080 and the sooner he's reconciled to it, the better. 375 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,320 - That's all there is to be said. - Well, I hate to disagree... 376 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,160 - Then don't! - You know, if you two actually succeed 377 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,520 in scuppering my marriage to Jimmy, 378 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,480 I will hurl myself from the battlements! 379 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,040 Splat! 380 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,440 Thwarted niece, all over the begonias. 381 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,120 Just for once, do something to deserve the name of Emsworth. 382 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,520 I say! 383 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,200 Why don't I have a bit of a chinwag with Constable Evans? 384 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,240 No? 385 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,480 But Constable, it's a ten-year-old malt from the Isle of Scrawnsporran! 386 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,880 Scrawnsporran? 387 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,160 Well, I never! 388 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,000 Ah! 389 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:41,040 THEY SHOUT DRUNKENLY 390 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,000 HE SNORES 391 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,280 (Night-night.) 392 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,600 - Jimmy Belford. - Shush! 393 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,560 (Jimmy Belford.) 394 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,880 (If I release you, do you give me your word 395 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,480 (you'll return yourself to custard within the hour?) 396 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,720 (Can I spend some of that hour kissing Angela?) 397 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,200 Oh, rather! 398 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,120 But you must also talk to the Guv'nor about his... 399 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,640 - ..pig. - Shush! 400 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,600 Wiggy wiggy wig. 401 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,000 PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH! 402 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:28,080 PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH! 403 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,760 PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH! 404 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:39,400 No! No! No! Definitely taking the scenic route on the arpeggio. 405 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,440 Your call, Uncle Clarence. 406 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:46,600 It couldn't summon the skin off a rice pudding. Look and learn. 407 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:55,200 PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY! 408 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,320 PIG GRUNTS 409 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,720 My dear, dear fellow. Belford. 410 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:22,960 Be my guest. Erm... Marry erm... this one. 411 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,560 Congratulations, my dear. 412 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,520 Capital... 413 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,280 THEY SNORE 414 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:43,320 Right. Right. Good. Well, enjoyed our little chat. 415 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,520 All prisoners present and correct? Splendid. 416 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:59,560 Did I, erm...suggest a plan of action that actually worked...? 417 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:06,480 'Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Shropshire Show...' 418 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,040 You may smirk, Sir Gregory. 419 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,240 You may snigger up your perjured sleeve. 420 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,040 But you will rue your shabby conduct, soon enough. 421 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,040 Ah! 422 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:30,080 Ah, ha! Ready. That surprised you. 423 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:34,880 Ready for what? A gypsy funeral? A carnival of grotesques? 424 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:38,480 A convocation of imbibers of turpentine and methylated spirit? 425 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,440 Don't entirely catch your drift. 426 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,800 I shall continue snowing. If you wear that hat 427 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:47,560 to the Shropshire Show, I shall eviscerate you 428 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,280 with a small, blunt spoon, ill-adapted for the purpose. 429 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,960 Is there any point to what you're going to say? 430 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,320 Hat. Patrician bearing and chop, chop! 431 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:07,240 So, how's your pig, Emsworth? 432 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,320 In the pink, Sir Gregory... 433 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,000 'Next, we have our Middle White, 434 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,320 'the Empress of Blandings...' 435 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,960 APPLAUSE 436 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:23,000 'The winner of the Fattest Pig is... the Empress!' 437 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:37,080 - Oh, hello, Connie. Hello, erm... - Heacham. I'm Lord Heacham. 438 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,600 - Good for you, sir. - Is everything being accomplished 439 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,600 to my satisfaction and to the family's honour? 440 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,600 - I think so, my dear. - Would you say so, Clarence? 441 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,360 I would, my dear. 442 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,080 Then how do you account for this? 443 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,960 A fellow can't be held accountable 444 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,560 for another fellow's ill-advised moustache, y'know... 445 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,480 I come to give you formal notice, Emsworth, 446 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,760 that I am breaking off my engagement to your niece. 447 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,000 - Which one? I've several, y'know. - Oh! 448 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,200 Angela. The fat-headed one. 449 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,680 Oh, well, that's all right! 450 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,800 You can break off with Angela till the cows come home! 451 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,000 She's marrying somebody else, that's fine and dandy. 452 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,600 Lord! Is that Wellbeloved? 453 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,520 Wellbeloved! Are you out of prison? Hurrah! 454 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,680 The Guv'nor really is incorrigible! 455 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,840 I don't know what that means, but he's it. 456 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,840 Anyway, his pig saved my bacon. 457 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,240 I may still be in with a shout with Felicity from the Pussy. 458 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,920 There's a lad running a book on which one of those goaty things 459 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,400 is going to be the first to drop a you-know-what. 460 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,120 I fancy the spotty one. Been eating a heck of a lot of cabbage. 461 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:44,000 I'm in for a tenner. Do you feel lucky, Aunt C? 462 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,680 Oh! Angela! Come back here. 463 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,080 PIG BREAKS WIND 464 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,480 Oh, I know just how you feel. 465 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:58,000 She's in showroom condition, m'lord. You took care of her. 466 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,440 Grand of you to have me back. 467 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,760 Nonsense. Mind you, Wellbeloved... 468 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,840 what have you learned from this period of absence? 469 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:14,040 When I see a pint of beer, I'm going to say, get thee behind me. 470 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,320 - Wouldn't that make it rather tricky to get hold of the glass? - Hmmm. 471 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,800 - Yeah. You have a point. - Hmmm. 472 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:28,520 - What have you learned, m'lord? - What have I learned? 473 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:38,840 PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY! 474 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,440 THEY LAUGH 475 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd