program dadjoke
version 10

syntax
local x = runiform()


if `x'<=0.05  {
   di as txt  "What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?"
   di as txt  "                               Put it on my bill!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.05 & `x'<=0.10 {
   di as txt  "What do you call a man with a rubber toe?"
   di as txt  "                                 Roberto!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.10 & `x'<=0.15 {
   di as txt  "What do you give to a sick lemon?"
   di as txt  "                       Lemon aid!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.15 & `x'<=0.20 {
   di as txt  "Why are there gates around cemeteries?"
   di as txt  "   Because people are dying to get in!"
   exit
 }


if `x'>0.20 & `x'<=0.25 {
   di as txt  "Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine?"
   di as txt  "                           It was about a weak back!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.25 & `x'<=0.30 {
   di as txt  "I just went to an emotional wedding."
   di as txt  "         Even the cake was in tiers."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.30 & `x'<=0.35 {
   di as txt  "When's the best time to go to the dentist?"
   di as txt  "                             Tooth-hurtie!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.35 & `x'<=0.40 {
   di as txt  "What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?"
   di as txt  "                                       Corny!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.40 & `x'<=0.45 {
   di as txt  "What's the best thing about Switzerland?"
   di as txt  "I don't know, but its flag is a big plus!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.45 & `x'<=0.50 {
   di as txt  "What does a zombie vegetarian eat?"
   di as txt  "                  'Graaaaaaaains!'"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.50 & `x'<=0.55 {
   di as txt  "My new thesaurus is terrible."
   di as txt  "Not only that, but it's also terrible."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.55 & `x'<=0.60 {
   di as txt  "Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight."
   di as txt  "                                   There would be mass confusion!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.60 & `x'<=0.65 {
   di as txt  "It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you are not a dad"
   di as txt  "                                           It's a faux pa."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.65 & `x'<=0.70 {
   di as txt  "Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward."
   di as txt  "                                  That's just how I roll."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.70 & `x'<=0.75 {
   di as txt  "What don't ants get sick?"
   di as txt  "    They have anty-bodies"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.75 & `x'<=0.80 {
   di as txt  "What does a house wear?"
   di as txt  "               Address!"
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.80 & `x'<=0.85 {
   di as txt  "Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?"
   di as txt  "                          Because the pee is silent."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.85 & `x'<=0.90 {
   di as txt  "What do you call a belt made out of watches?"
   di as txt  "                            A waist of time."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.90 & `x'<=0.95 {
   di as txt  "What do an apple and an orange have in common?"
   di as txt  "                        Neither one can drive."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.95 & `x'<=0.975 {
   di as txt  "What did the finger say to the thumb?"
   di as txt  "               I'm in glove with you."
   exit
 }

if `x'>0.975 & `x'<=0.100 {
   di as txt  "Who invented the round table?"
   di as txt  "               Sir Cumference"
   exit
 }

end